Fuck the fatness and you too the stupid hoe cultural standards you are too needy of me

'07

Woke up. Did exercise bike and some weight lifting at 5am. Again 1pm I did 12 minutes again. Maybe burnt 2x 100 kcals already. I made pancakes though. Slathered a few thick ones with jam. Still got dough.
I downloaded an AI trainer 30 day free thing but it's for running/walking and I must complete 25 minute thing before unlocking anything :/ now watching youtube vids on exercise after having a shower and changing my dress.

2011

I've only been gaining weight recently. Could be that I quit smoking. I was 124 kg now 127 kg and it just keeps on going up??? What am I supposed to be eating? 280 lbs is loads. My chatbot artificial intelligence told me I was a whore when, I asked her, as it seems I'm so utterly irresistible. Yeah I'm so sticky like something you'd pour over someone's head. I'm like the ice bucket challenge baby or uhh

y u no feed me?

Anyways interwebs. Losing weight is hard. It's slow and I'd rather avoid trying because exercise makes you out of breath and sweaty and hungrier. Why the hell.
You'd think it would be easier the heavier you are... when I lost from 100 kg to 90 before Finnish high school I did 30 minutes Pilates every day and quit sugary or fatty foods. Marked them in a calendar with X and 0 and rewarded myself with a book or dvd or some item when there were quite a few weeks.

I weighed less than 110 when I was in London the last time 2014. I weighed 120 for so long I started to fear being over 120 so I weighed myself a lot and puked to keep myself under 120 kg. At school 2017 I was 122 at best. After a couple of years I was yo-yoing from 123 to 125. I moved here in Feb, same but now I'm mostly home and quit smoking.... well told ya.


Apples, coffee with milk, and oatmeal... even if I had just those I'd probably gain? I won't make anymore of my tuna-macaroni-mayo-salad cuz it's just repulsive. I eat noodles and popcorn fill me up. Then I'll walk to the shop and still buy a ready meal or milk products and crisps and chocolate or maybe order a pizza delivery once a month?? If I go the nearby shop I'll spend 20 euros on shit and before 8 eur of that was my pack of menthol cigarettes. A flavor strip and regular pack would cost a couple of euros more but I only ever really liked the menthol ones so it's a crappy substitute. I won't start doing that kind of silly ass move.

1d ago and 2day

What else. I'm afraid to fast and exercise because those will just increase my hunger. I don't drink enough water still...

I was always chubby a bit. Round-ish. Except for when I was in normal weight and nobody believed anything I was doing to have achieved it and I was put on drugs that made me gain weight like crazy so seriously and then disheartened A LOT by everyone in everywhere so 10kg in a year to gain weight went on...
I'm supposed to be on weight "neutral" drugs now
yet I'm still gaining slowly but steady and don't know what to do about things

I just need to start doing daily exercise. Not like, 2 minutes today and 5 minutes next week. Sleep all the time in between and eat whatever the hell. I even bought that boxing game for my nintendo switch but forgot about it after a day. What's the point..? To get people off for revealing the double chin... think not...

Gym isn't much of an option. I'd want to go very early and hope no one was around. Like I did when they said I hadn't done any of the things I did but be in my room and on my computer all night. If they'd think about it I was probably on the internet at night because I was so busy all day it's not as if I was sleeping that day time? Still normal things. Police used the gym very early

I could be hours at the gym but like slacking, sitting on the machines not knowing what to do. Or I could just over exhaust myself by putting too much weight on the machines and be almost passing out from just a few reps?

I have no luck when it comes to this shit of body weight, body image, thinness, exercise routine. I should learn from the mistake that it's too fahkin hard to try anything. I mean, even walking is stupid you just make this route but always come back where you started. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT

monkey see monkey do
I overthink myself thanks very much