omg nobody cares! I can finally cry again

 Listening to melancholy Finnish metal that reminds me of my young adult era. Angst. Pretty much crying and thinking how it wasn't normal how everyone treated me. One time I said something to my step-dad and he chased me to my room and I had to hold the door shut with all my strength and eventually he made a dent in the door with his fist. My mom said she was afraid of me and she was pregnant and I got from the end of a vacuum cleaner for no reason. My step-dad's mom was as stern and strict as my own grandmother. Always putting men first and he had a lot of sons. I had to watch downhill skiing even if nobody else was watching tv even on Christmas I couldn't watch the Snowman in case some man wanted to watch skiing. I did cry one evening from after I came home from school to like 1am in the evening. That's when my eyes got swollen and I still have an eyelid that droops. I wanted to leave it all and them all, but an exchange year wasn't the solution, not really. Even though it was the best year of my life. 

So excuse me while I think nothing of myself. Ugly crying after I've been so tough for so long. Apparently I have feelings because I'm anxious and stay up at night. Whatever man, I don't have feelings and you could never understand the depth of my anxiety. You messaged me and after asked if I was being weird again and you're unavailable and busy but I haven't asked for anything else but explain why I'd be weird again? Guess he did give his version. I'm just crying again now because I'm so done with my habit. We've exchanged out any good-bye kisses so why anything... salty kisses or just anxious. He's not even a friend. I don't love anyone. Sex is bad. Why would I have feelings over this crappy notoriously shitty fucking deep concern of what's wrong with me????

I used to have a friend online who starts crying if she heard classical music and she listened to Korn etc. I think I start listening to my own sorrows and how deep the river flows, or how hell is frozen or wish I had an angel or unchain my pitch black emotions etc it reminds me of actual places and morbid living next to a cemetary or in the woods or like, the place I always knew we were going to move to and I just wanted nothing to do with any boys coz I heard my mom and stepdad have sex one night in the next room after they came from the local pub. They thought I was sleeping but I got turned off by sex for the rest of my life.

Twenty years is a lot of time to be dumb and full of hopes of making a contribution with being a woman... but it had been a disservice to society if I had proceeded to produce clones of myself. It's not like anybody taught me what love is.